Passive-aggression is a type of behaviour or personality characterised by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation. Underneath there may be manipulation at play which leads to the term “passive aggressive”. It does not mean swinging between passivity and aggression but someone who expresses their aggression passively.
Passive-aggressive behaviour can be subtle and can exist in the shadows of unconscious communication in the consulting room. It could surface in a number of ways such as when a client turns up late for their session, using humour to attack the therapist, or seeking to undermine the therapist and the therapeutic process in an underhand way.
A good therapist should be attuned to spotting it when it occurs and should skillfully address it without causing ruptures to the therapeutic alliance. A lot of the times therapists might miss it, or fail to address it, since therapists often have a fear of encountering so-called negative transference. Passive-aggressive behaviour often occurs when there is negative transference. Negative transference is the psychoanalytic term for the transference of negative and hostile feelings onto a therapist. In therapy the therapist can represent the instrument, or object, through which a client gets in touch with past unresolved power figures in their life such as parents, teachers or peer leaders (who could be termed “bad objects”). An example of negative transference might be when a therapist ignites anger in their client by insisting on adherence to the terms of an already agreed cancellation policy. Or a therapist might suggest something to their client but in so doing might in that moment ignite memories of a controlling past relationship.
Such potential ruptures in the therapeutic alliance can, however, present good opportunities for therapeutic growth as the client can achieve great insight into their internal world within a safe exploratory space. They can learn to behave in a different and more empowering way. The therapist has a duty to discard personal feelings but instead act in deference to the evolving psychological landscape. It requires great skill for the therapist to navigate their own emotional world and resist the temptation to take any perceived attacks in a personal way. A therapist is essentially being tasked to evoke, to confront with bravery and insight, and explore as well as interpret the bad object relationship whilst at the same time remaining mindfully careful to not personify it. When negative transference occurs it can offer the client an opportunity to manifest a quality or a characteristic that might hitherto have been latent, hidden or avoided. An obvious example could be the positive and empowering qualities of assertiveness and confidence which the client develops by working with the transference in the therapy and learning how to respond in a different way when feelings of hostility are evoked.
Long and Whitson in the their book Angry Smile – The Psychology of Passive Aggressive Behaviour in Families, Schools and the Workplace outline a way of identifying underlying anger and advocate “benign confrontation”. Benign confrontation aims to shift the responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours back to the passive-aggressive person, thereby making things feel more transparent. This contrasts with the actions of a passive-aggressive person whose way of relating can typically be to hide anger whilst at the same time seeking to activate the anger in others to express theirs through their reckless behaviours.
Passive-aggressive people tend to be the ones who stir trouble in groups by gossiping, playing one against another and planting ideas in the minds of individuals hoping it will all kick off. They are present in all industries, including counselling and psychotherapy circles I might add (anyone who has had to share consulting room space will testify to that). They are the ones who will walk around with faces like thunder, engage in silent treatment, undertake the silent scorn and make jokes to score points.
Working with the transference could potentially involve creative ways of working such as role play, empty chair, or engaging in reverse roles, which could empower the client to dialogue with their own internal world in a safe way. Learning to be more assertive first requires the client to be open with their own vulnerability and to be frank about where they default to internally. Provided that they are willing to address their own projections there is invaluable potential for inner transformation in exploring their inner world. This work often requires a strong therapeutic alliance since there is a need for robust rapport, trust and safety to explore and to creatively work with very vulnerable internal material.
Working with the ‘yes…but’ clients
Projective identification is common in the therapy room when a client is seemingly passive and submissive yet provokes anger in the therapist. An inexperienced therapist may become increasingly irritated as they find it difficult to pin their anger anywhere. The ‘yes … but’ clients, as outlined by Michael Jacobs in his book the Presenting Past, will be the ones identified through the frustration experienced by the therapist in their counter-transference as each intervention or suggestion is met with ‘yes … but on the other hand’ and effectively rubbished by the client. The client may not be able to feel and express their anger (which may be why they are in therapy, after all) and that is why the therapist ends up feeling it instead. Here the therapist needs to be patient and acknowledge the client’s frustration rather than opt for the tempting urge to argue, as argument will be perceived as an attack and they will most likely further defend themselves in the same way. It is, of course, necessary for the therapist to show skill in investigating other possible reasons for the ‘yes…but’ clients. There may, for instance, be a fear of making the wrong choice (the ‘shall I, … shan’t I’ client) or their anxiety about commitment leading them potentially closer to situations they fear.
Seeking therapy for passive aggressive behaviour
Therapy can offer a safe and confidential opportunity to explore your internal world and why you behave the way that you do when interacting with others. The process could involve uncovering early wounding and how you learned, or not to, deal with confrontation with others. People who behave in a passive-aggressive manner will typically find dealing with confrontation to be especially difficult. The fear that they have is that they might cause someone else some anxiety or discomfort by expressing their anger. However, they often don’t realise that they could be doing these people a favour since everybody benefits from open and frank discussions (as everyone knows where they stand).
There may be generational ways of dealing with anger in the family which could have been learnt as a behavioural pattern. There may be a vulnerable part, or sub-personality, which gets activated with there is tension in groups. This part might be the part that fears any confrontation as history may appear to prove that direct conflict is not a good idea. A strong emotion may have attached itself to this part, most commonly fear, guilt, or shame, and this part needs to be set free by having that negative emotion expunged. When this happens that vulnerable part can thrive so that you can become confident, creative and assertive and flourish again.
Passive-aggressive behaviour involves a way of communicating to disguise how you are feeling especially when annoyed, irritated or upset. Therefore, therapy should involve open and frank exchanges so that the historical ways of dealing with anger are uncovered and transformed. Ineffective therapy is when a client continues to replay their repetitive patterns of avoiding, hiding and refusing to be transparent when angry and fails to grasp the opportunity to behave in a different way. It may be that the therapist is frightened of confrontation themselves and unconscious collusion can take hold.
Ineffective therapy might also be when a passive-aggressive client ends up raging at every possible opportunity at the therapist in some misguided belief that they are accessing their authentic self by being overly aggressive. Such behaviour can be abusive and ultimately does not help them to change for the better in the outer world. A therapist who puts up with being mistreated like this might have their own unprocessed passive-aggression that hinders the flow of creative energy in the therapy room.
The good news is that assertiveness can be achieved and passive-aggressive behaviour can be a thing of the past. The bad news is that this new found assertiveness must be practiced in all situations and in all dealings with others. It is not just for the easy quick wins, such as assertively dealing with a neighbour over a boundary fence issue, but a tricky conversation with a work colleague is avoided. It should be for all dealings where there is procrastination, hesitancy and fear of confrontation. The acid test of emotional well-being is not to resort to a lazy way of avoiding situations that are baffling, and which induce avoidance, but to confront such situations with energy and openness. Learning to dialogue with an internal part or sub-personality that usually chooses the passive option can be rewarding as one adopts greater insight, confidence and freedom. Remember that strong boundaries, which is what occurs from assertiveness, keep everyone feeling safe as people know where they stand with each other.
Noel Bell is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist based in London who practices an integrative approach to therapeutic change and transformation. Call Noel on 07852407140 or email him on noel@noelbell.net
