Ah yes. It’s dry January. And here’s another annoying post about quitting alcohol, right? Sobriety, after all, is now viewed as having an air of cool, just like clean eating and veganism, such is the plethora of newly emerged ‘sober coaches’ and the like, intent on sharing their new found wisdom and enthusiasm for a sober life. They highlight the emergence of more sober focused social events such as sober club nights where people demonstrate that they are not missing alcohol and who are seemingly embracing a new and freer lifestyle. There is now even non alcohol wine to choose from on the drinks menu.
You may have started on a sobriety journey, stopped drinking altogether, reconsidered your intentions, or procrastinated about your decision. But as part of this journey, perhaps you wondered whether sober memoirs could be a useful resource to help with your review of your own relationship with alcohol. Hearing the stories of others who have forged a more mindful relationship with alcohol can inspire and motivate you to start your own journey. It could potentially be reassuring to read others who really know about the journey, because they have clearly lived it themselves. Whether you are seeking to stop completely or establish a new mindful relationship with drinking, sober memoirs offer a glimpse of of an alternative lifestyle.
There can potentially be numerous places to hear of others telling their stories, such as group meetings, therapy sessions, or through on-line communities. The attraction of attending meetings of the 12 step fellowship Alcoholics Anonymous is that one is hearing stories from people who have overcome their own previous personal struggles with alcohol. Like with group therapy this may be comforting knowing that you are no longer alone and these personal recovery stories can help reduce stigma and fuel your desire for change. The power of narration (this personal story telling) and the affiliation offered by meetings seems to be what makes AA work. But being with other strangers like this is not for everyone and listening to people espose religious beliefs can be off-putting (although secular AA meetings are becoming ever more popular).
So, perhaps wanting to just curl up with a good book in the confines of your own home can be what really hits the spot. A book is a more personal relationship and allows you to explore your choices with alcohol at your own pace. There is no pressure to commit to any targets or goals as you read such stories and contemplate your next moves.
Here are two examples of sober memoirs:
The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober – Catherine Gray
This inspirational memoir of story telling advocates the positive aspects of sobriety and includes the author’s personal experience, factual reportage, contributions from experts in the medical field and self-help advice. Gray’s decision to give up booze saved her life and her story is an inspiration as she shows that a sober life can be enjoyable, fun and even wild. The author describes her addictive past in a very honest and authentic way that offers hope and inspiration to anyone contemplating change in their own life.
A Sunday Times bestseller, the book describes in a very funny way how a sober life can actually be more interesting and even intoxicating, if life is lived to the full. This is not just a story of stopping but how to better enjoy your life once stopped. Shame can often be a feature of excessive drinking and readers will enjoy the openness of her story and how it is okay to embrace a sober lifestyle. In this way she normalises the experience of creating a new relationship with alcohol, that this is not something to be shameful about.
Between Breaths: A Memoir of Panic and Addiction – Elizabeth Vargas
This First Book category Instant New York Times and USA Today bestseller is an honest account of growing up with anxiety and how the author turned to alcohol in an attempt to escape from a painful reality. The book addresses her time in rehab, her early days of being sober, and the guilt she felt as a working mother who struggled to find the right balance between the responsibilities of a career and that of parenting. In addiction recovery there can often be what are termed ‘co-morbidities’, when a condition is simultaneously present with another or others. Anxiety and depression are often ‘co-morbidities’ with excessive drinking as alcohol is used as a form of self medication. This memoir cleverly joins the dots by showing the link between feeling ill at ease and seeking an escape from difficult feelings and states of mind.
Vargas tells how she found herself living in denial about the extent of her addiction, and of how she sought to cover up in order to keep her dependency a secret for so long. Readers will benefit from the very practical coping skills she finally develops as a result of stopping. Vargas holds little back and her directness and honesty is startling and endearing, especially when she chronicles her relapses. Relapses are a common theme in addiction recovery and removing the shame around them represents positive messaging and is inspiring to others.
Memoirs can be useful and can have their place when you might be contemplating change. The trouble with alcohol is that it may have been used for many years to overcome or to escape from difficult feelings and states of mind. When you quit there is a danger that these difficult feelings will come flooding back and might appear overwhelming. The work in therapy could be to unravel the early wounds and the emotional upsets that are potentially responsible for your ongoing legacy behaviours. Legacy behaviours are the things you have done over time to keep you feeling safe, but which are no longer needed. An example might be to always distrust others, because caregivers in your early life abused their trust. But continuing to mistrust everyone might mean you remain alone and starved of love and affection. Learning to trust others, the ones who can be trusted, could be a way to heal that inner damaged part of you that craves love and intimacy.
Noel Bell is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist based in London and can be contacted on 07852407140 or noel@noelbell.net
