My latest article on addressing relationship problems has been published on the Counselling Directory website.
Setting healthy boundaries can potentially help to keep us safe when dealing with others, whether this in the romantic sphere, social setting, family environment or work space. But setting boundaries and enforcing them are often two very different challenges. To know our boundaries is to know what our red flags and dealbreakers are when dealing with others. It is important to remember that no one person is perfect. We might be susceptible to having a form of a magical projection towards someone but the reality often fails to meet the raw reality of being with another human being. Everyone has their flaws. Therefore, you might be getting to know someone or, are already with someone, whereby you acknowledge that there are some flags already present from your list. This does not mean that you should away as compromise is not always dysfunctional. More importantly, you don’t want to be compromising on what you list as your dealbreakers. Dealbreakers are exactly what they say on the tin. They are the things which make you walk away, without a moment’s hesitation.
In the romantic sphere setting boundaries might involve defining and listing what is a healthy expression of your own sexuality. For example, what are the things you can live with in a relationship and what are the things that would make you decide to walk away? It can be helpful to start with what some might perceive to be the universal givens, for example that sex should be consensual, free from violence, not involving any safeguarding issues, or illegality. But then your list might diverge from what others consider the norm in relation to topics such as fidelity, flirting, the use of porn, sharing fantasies/having a private space and not sharing some inner thoughts, the role of masturbation, and so on. The more thorough your list, when you think about your value system in relation to these topics, the more healthy your boundaries could be. This could be when your thoughts and actions in your relationship corresponds to your own value system and this would be when you have not only set your boundaries but also begin to enforce them.
Enforcing our boundaries needs to be in every area of our lives. We can be assertive in one area of our lives but codependent in other areas. Therefore, it is important that we don’t allow an avoidance strategy to build up whereby we avoid enforcing a boundary due to a fear of conflict or a fear of rejection. When we avoid difficult conversations we allow anxiety to gather momentum. Healthy boundaries means saying what we mean and meaning what we say.
Our relationships will be more healthy and positive the more intentional and purposeful we can be about our own value system and how we behave towards the other person. This means trying to align respective value systems but also being mindful of how the other person gets triggered. We are triggered when our emotional system is either hyper or hypo elevated, when we are perceiving danger, or when we are reminded of past wounds and vulnerability. Intentional behaviour would be when we are considerate and patient with ourselves and our partner when we become aware that we ourselves or when they are being triggered in a given situation.
Noel Bell is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist and can be contacted on 07852407140.
