My latest article on how to use dating apps more mindfully is available from the Counselling Directory website.
The list of tasks that can help to bring about greater focus and intention to your online dating search include the following:
Devise your own set of dealbreakers
The importance of setting a dealbreaker is that you walk away, straight away. Strong boundaries are about knowing what you want and what you don’t want, saying what you mean and meaning what you say. There should be no idle speculation, hesitation, or wondering about what might be if someone presents with something that is a dealbreaker to you.
Create your own list of red flags
The presence of flags is not necessarily a bad thing, as no one person is perfect. Just don’t have too many of them, and make sure that you are not rationalising a dealbreaker as a flag.
Reflect on your healthy expression of your own sexuality
Your starting point could be the universals, such as the principle of consent, non-violence and legality. After that how you wish to express your sexuality may become more personal and subjective. What might be your values around sexual fidelity, monogamy, sharing or acting out sexual fantasies, the use of porn, toys and so on.
Define your own ingredient X
Evolution didn’t design our ancient attraction templates for modern dating apps. Attraction can sometimes feel irrational or mismatched as it’s running on ancient wiring in modern civilization. People who are prone to addictions might struggle with this task of defining ingredient X. They might be seeking what they term an intense ‘animal-like attraction’ with someone, but this might be something in their fantasy and might be a misguided form of projection.
Implement a “soft screen”
A short voice note may inform more about someone’s personality than the combination of a few days of texting back and forth. Additionally, a short video call could potentially save time and energy travelling for a date that offered little prospect.
Learn to trust your felt sense in your body
Check for when there is negative urgency from a potential date about setting a date. Be patient when chatting to someone, and be watchful if someone starts to over-share too quickly. This could be a sign of their weak boundaries and of their addictive tendencies.
Noel Bell is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist and can be contacted on 07852407140
