Toxic behaviour usually emanates from someone with deep wounding from their personal history. The person is not able to take responsibility for their feelings, attitude, their needs and their consequent emotional problems. Their interactions with others, particularly within organisations, is characterised at times by tense and hostile communication. You know you are around a person displaying toxic behaviour when you start to feel uneasy around them and you may develop a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. They might feel overwhelmed or powerless in their role (they may be in lowly graded posts within the hierarchy) and feel the need to be rude as a means of gaining one-upmanship. However, they might also be in positions of power and take vicarious pleasure from being unpleasant (because they can, in their mind).
The setting can be largely irrelevant. I have witnessed the worst form of toxic behaviour in so-called social care environments. Toxic behaviour typically is most raw when someone is not getting their own way. This is when they snap and show a rude attitude when asked to do something. It doesn’t matter that the task forms part of their job description. They do not handle stress very well so will be over zealous in their way of relating, which can come across as defensive, and they can suddenly start barking at you. You are left wondering what their problem is. What you don’t see is an insight into their inner world.
It can be confusing when dealing with these people as they don’t apologise. They may be overly nice next time you interact with them (this, in their mind, is a form of apology) but it is highly unlikely you will receive an apology.
The importance of not adopting a victim role in responding to such behaviour is crucial. It is equally important to not allow your perpetrator side to emerge in response to the attack. To understand more about how to deal with such scenarios read my latest article on how to boost your levels of self-esteem by learning how to cope with toxic people.
See also:
It is pointed out rightly that toxic people behave the way they do, because they might have an emotional and psychological wound. The pause and question rule mentioned, for tackling such behavior is brilliant. One must remember, that it is not a reflection of them, but they abuser’s insecurity. Remember, you can’t control the feelings of others,but only your own.