I came across the idea of death cafes the other day when a colleague mentioned them almost in passing when we were discussing something unrelated on the telephone. I find it an uncomfortable truth that everyone alive today, no matter where they live in the world, and no matter how rich they are, will eventually end up dead one day, a certainty that death shares with the requirement to pay taxes. The pandemic has raised the overall profile of death more than ever in recent years, whether we have been personally affected by the loss of a loved one or as a result of hearing more about death in the news. I was intrigued about the concept of death cafes and interested enough to know more. After some research I was sufficiently motivated to attend an online meeting which I found on the Death Cafe website. The website states that these meetings discuss death and the objective is ‘to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives’ and that people attending face to face death cafe meetings, tend to bring cake and drink tea. They are invariably free to attend, although facilitators accept donations.
Previous to the meeting I had never heard of the idea of ‘death educators’, much less thanatology, which apparently is the scientific study of death and the losses brought about as a result of a death. I also had been unaware of terms such as end of life doulas, who seemingly describe themselves like midwives, except as facilitators in preparation for end of life planning. The role of funeral directors was not new to me but their work is primarily dealing with events post death. Importantly, death cafe meetings are discussion groups rather than grief support or counselling sessions. Armed with that information, I still wasn’t sure what to expect and had many preconceptions about what might happen and indeed who might be there. Would it, for instance, be a morbid occasion or would it be like group therapy for suffering souls? With such apprehension I logged on to the meeting.
I was pleasantly surprised by what I found. It was incredibly refreshing to have the opportunity to discuss issues related to death in an open environment, free from judgement, as well as hearing others discuss their take on death. Meetings can apparently tend to feature categories such as estate planning, medical issues, practical considerations surrounding death or an exploration of the spiritual/existential dimensions of death. I was more interested in the latter category. Death can often have systemic implications whether there are family systems issues or constellations that manifest at such times. The meeting I attended also had interesting discussions around practical issues associated with death planning. Do we want a green burial that is environmentally sustainable, for example, and if we choose to be buried in the ground should we check about land preservation orders protecting the burial site? There were also discussions about the arrangements that can be left in place to look after pets, and back-up plans if a designated person turns out to be unreliable for whatever reason. One interesting discussion centered around having a support network for dealing with the consequences of death, whilst some didn’t see the value in that if such networks were absent in the living years. However, from what I understand, the agenda of meetings tend to be quite open and dependent on the topics participants choose to bring themselves. The discussions on the nature of existence were the discussions that I enjoyed most.
Death as a theme featured to some extent in my psychotherapeutic training since conscious and unconscious awareness of mortality is considered to be one of the existential ‘givens’ (as well as meaning, purpose and freedom and how we relate to each theme). In my professional work I seek to work with such themes since acknowledging one’s own mortality doesn’t mean we need to feel depressed about life and death. Mini deaths can be associated with endings and can often be the source of anxieties, and a useful area to explore in therapy can be our relationship to endings, whether they be relationships, jobs, college courses, semesters, or even seasons. We can potentially free up creative energy to live as fully as we can today, rather than waste time as if our lives are a form of dress rehearsal for something that might happen tomorrow or in the future. This kind of seizing of the day spirit can often be something that can be transformative and enlightening. That said, there can also be a lot of freedom derived from not believing that there necessarily has to be real meaning in life.
I was left pondering themes and issues associated with death following the meeting. It has been my experience that people rarely indicate any preferences they might have for their funeral, even if they had undertaken some estate planning and produced a will. Or, they might indicate some detail of what they want for their funeral, but not who they would want there, and who they would not want there. I have always wondered whether unfinished business with a loved one in the living years to be a chief cause of much of the grief when they die. Death is rarely talked about, even when there is a terminal illness diagnosis, leaving little opportunity for resolving unfinished business on an emotional level.
The meeting I attended had thought provoking discussion points. For example, someone at the meeting raised the topic of when famous people die and their death announcement are featured in the news. The stories are often accompanied by reports of how such people passed peacefully and were surrounded by their family. This can raise anxiety for those thinking of death especially if they don’t have a family of their own. There might be a fear of dying alone and in a place not of their choosing. We might be concerned with legacy and who to pass treasured belongings on to. Perhaps we are influenced in our death planning, or lack thereof, by how our parents or grandparents dealt with their deaths. There might also be unconscious signals of the impact of critical dates. For example, what age your parents and grandparents died might influence your own attitudes to your own mortality and life expectancy. Other factors impacting our relationship to our mortality can the impact of being affected by sudden deaths of friends or family, the deaths of the unborn, religious beliefs and cultural norms.
One novel idea I heard at the death cafe meeting I attended was the concept of a ‘live funeral’ that some people hold whilst they are still alive. I was left wondering about an interesting exercise it might be to hold a fantasy funeral for yourself, and ask yourself who you would invite, and perhaps not invite, what your selected music would be (if any), what would you like to hear others say about you and how the whole experience impacted on your day to day living. There can be no harm in discussing death but there might be harm from not discussing it.
Noel Bell is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist based in London.
