I am quoted in the latest Ask Annalisa article in the Guardian in response to a letter from a reader seeking advice about a friendship of 20 years. The reader had asked whether or not she should cut off her friend, as her friend only ever talks about herself. Being in avoidance mode, the reader was wondering what she should do about perpetual frustration and lingering resentment about the one way nature of her friendship.
My quotes were taken from the following text I submitted for the article, about conflict resolution, maintaining friendships and addressing lingering resentments:
I note that you have been friends for over twenty years, and that you admire her resilience in the face of dealing with very difficult emotionally traumatic challenges in her life. I also note that you are both now retired. Retirement must mean a lot to you both. In different chapters of our lives we assess and reassess our needs. This could be a good opportunity for you both to take stock of your social circles and what is or not working in your respective lives.
Lingering resentment towards her is clearly building up about the way that your friendship is evolving. This is understandable when someone appears to broadcast in an increasingly one way channel, even if they have been a long time friend, and even if they are someone who has had a lot of challenges in their life.
I am wondering why people are constantly blindsiding her. She must have had a role herself in those relationship dynamics, too. You state her employer turned on her, but do you know all the details of their working relationship? I am not sure why her employer being “wealthy” is particularly significant in how she deals with others.
It is important to remember that the maintenance of healthy friendships involves having two way channels when there is give and take. You should feel listened to when speaking and the dialogue should see back and forth flow. The question of her holiday location is a good example of her one way channel mode of communication, that not only were you not heard but also that your views were not even considered.
To deal with your lingering resentment requires action on your part, otherwise you risk not being true to yourself. To not confront her about how you feel might involve people-pleasing her, and risk being overly aggreeable towards her. That would compromise your own integrity, a quality you say that is important to you.
The question is how to address this with her, whether by sending a letter, as you suggest, or in person.
In spite of her abrasiveness, she might be more amenable to hearing your side of the coin in person, especially if she values your friendship.
A useful technique to address relationship dissatisfaction is to use this conflict resolution tool. The first step is to state what typically happens in your conversations. This needs to be as factual as possible, and essentially what a recording device would replay, if played back. Admittedly, we are in an era of “alternative facts” when people can dispute what happened. But this technique can work if you use concrete examples of past chats and where you try to use verbatim feedback. The second step is to tell her how it leaves you feeling, when she behaves like this. There should be no dispute about what was said, or how you are left feeling. Your feelings are your feelings, after all. The third part of this conflict resolution tool is to ask how you are both going to change the dynamics of your friendship.
What usually happens? Sometimes, people will seek to deny the facts, or not accept how you feel. I regularly hear people, during mediation, dismiss others by saying that the other person is too sensitive, for instance? However, if both people are open to feedback, a friendship can blossom and deepen.
Indeed, perhaps your greatest gift to her could be to offer her this opportunity to reflect on this valuable feedback. This could have the effect of shifting her friendship history when others go into avoidance mode and disappear out of her life.
I suggest that you do this face to face and not set an agenda beforehand, as this might risk making her feel defensive. Writing her a letter might only reinforce an avoidance mode, perhaps for you both, and risk replaying the way her other friendships and relationships end up.
Try to causally raise it when you are both relaxed and in a private setting. In a face to face meeting you can better gauge from her reactions in the moment how to reassure her that you value her friendship. It will also allow an opportunity to answer any of her questions or any confusion she might have. This will most likely be a potential new way of communicating for her, as her history is that people don’t confront her in a transparent way.
Having different political views should not necessarily compromise a friendship. The more important aspect of relationship dynamics are that you are being listened to when you raise a topic of conversation. It should not be necessary to have to agree with each other on every topic for a friendship to flourish.
Article can also be read here.
Noel Bell is UKCP accredited psychotherapist and can be contacted on 07852407140
