It is important to know your past. Everyone has a personal narrative. What’s yours? Have you ever been truly listened to? Or, do you have people in your life who don’t really listen, when they always seem intent on hijacking the conversation and turning the spotlight and focus onto themselves? This type of narcissistic listening might be perpetuating your low self-esteem.
Psychotherapists can often be accused of placing too much emphasis on past events, such as relationships in the family, rather than concentrating on present circumstances. The past, however, is not something we should be reviewing in order to assign blame. Rehashing the past as a self-indulgent exercise is not what I am suggesting. What is far more important is knowing how past events in your life affected your view of the world and your role in it. Becoming more aware of the legacy on your personality development from past events can be an empowering experience. Becoming aware of your adult relational style can be the building blocks for transformation. You could ask yourself the following questions:
- Where and when (and with whom) did you allow yourself to feel the victim, for instance?
- When and where did you suffer from a confidence collapse?
- Or, perhaps you developed a rescuing role when others were in need?
It may have been appropriate to create a persona (the aspect of your character that is presented to or perceived by others) to cope with difficult circumstances when you were younger. Life can be tough, after all. Perhaps there were challenging times growing up, with a difficult family life, schooling or social life. Perhaps there were instances of abuse, bullying or isolation. It may be that a false self was created in order to better cope with these challenges. The trouble is, the development of a false self, whilst potentially expedient at a certain stage in your life, might not be serving you any real purpose in your adult life. Indeed, a false self could be hampering your real (true) self from emerging.
Self esteem can be boosted in the following ways:
- Search for and discard outdated toxic messaging systems
- Learn to change the scripts with self-talk
- Surround yourself with people who really listen
- Boost your self-love and self-care regime
- Spend quality time on your passions
- Devise a list of positive self-affirmations and read them every day
- Heal old emotional wounds and allow yourself to grieve
- Improve your diet and get regular physical exercise
- Improve sleep hygiene and create a ‘buffer zone’before bedtime
- Create an over arching philosophy for your life. Why are you here?
You CAN be a confident, creative and assertive person. But you may have reoccurring negative feedback loops that relay old messages saying that you are shy, not good enough and not able to hold your own in demanding situations. These messages could contain the seeds that fuel negative core beliefs. Low self esteem can make you feel unlovable and lacking in confidence but feelings are not facts. You CAN change how you feel about yourself.
Psychotherapy can be an opportunity to tell your story and to be heard. The process can offer a private and confidential space to explore your past decisions and assess your current life choices. It will offer an opportunity to assess when you victimise yourself and with whom. Unconscious material can be accessed by attending sessions on a regular basis and building a therapeutic alliance with a therapist. The development of positive qualities can be part of the process of rediscovering who you really are.
Call Noel now on 07852407140 to arrange an appointment.
