Recent negative press coverage surrounding the practice of psychotherapy, notably widespread criticisms following the publication of Spare, Prince Harry’s personal memoir, has offered critics of therapy some useful ammunition to undermine the role of the profession and of how having therapy can seemingly go wrong. Harry is seen as a poor advert for therapy, given his oversharing and apparent unwillingness to let go of the past, and his critics seemingly believe that one should proceed with caution when seeking to contract with a psychotherapist, since more damage could be caused rather than healing and transformation.
I read one critic of Harry, and of psychotherapy in general, refer to their own experience of seeking therapy and of their own therapist suggesting that a focus of their work could be to contact their inner child. The critic stated that they feared a ‘youthful homunculus living in their brain’ and bolted for the door.
So, what does inner child therapy involve?
Inner child work is about safely exploring the continuing legacy of past emotional wounds suffered in early life. To acknowledge that you have an inner child is to recognise the childlike part of your unconscious mind that continues to affect your adult life. John Bradshaw used “inner child” to point to unresolved childhood experiences and the ongoing dysfunctional effects of childhood wounds, a culmination of emotional memories stored in the sub-conscious from conception through pre-puberty. Bradshaw showed in extensive writings that we can learn to nurture that inner child, in essence offering ourselves the good parenting we needed and always longed for.
As adults we have, over time, learned to avoid discomfort in our lives by making decisions that offer emotional relief. Most of these avoidances can serve us well. We don’t, for example, go to a high crime part of town, especially late at night, and that could be seen to be a healthy avoidance in order to stay safe. We don’t want to feel on edge or risk being mugged. But what if we end up avoiding all social occasions in every district of town because we might fear encountering trouble. An inner child part of us could be seen to be that part of us that was damaged by early experiences around other people. Perhaps we experienced bullying and exclusion from groups and these negative experiences may have led to adaptive behaviour to protect against the rejection. It can be emotionally painful to become reacquainted with past instances of emotional vulnerability, particularly when we feel unsafe and we perceive threat. This can be when an inner child part of us is activated.
Your inner child may manifest potentially at any time of your life, but especially when you sense danger which could lead to a triggering event. Triggering is when your fight/flight/freeze/fawn system is activated and you feel agitated. But an inner child voice can also emerge in more subtle ways, and it can be more than one voice. If you experience aloneness and social isolation this might activate painful feelings associated with the past. Your inner child might suddenly begin to feel helpless, abandoned, unloved and lead you to becoming more despondent. In social events it could be when you don’t feel part of a group, that you might be excluded or rejected. Your inner child is scared in this instance and doesn’t want to be reminded of painful feelings from the past.
What are some ways to heal your inner child wounds?
Firstly, it is necessary to recognise the impact of past emotional wounds. Exploring past wounds and your family dynamics through psychodrama in a safe group can be very transformational. This could be when past events are re-enacted so that you can gain a shift in perspective around how you feel about the past, yourself and others around you. As an example, let’s say that you tend to go quiet when in bigger groups, either socially or at work. The seed of this behaviour could reside in your early family life if you were often told to be quiet, sidelined or ignored. Families are, of course, our first experience of being in a group and you don’t have to be Price Harry to realise this. Growing up in families sets a blueprint for how we might behave in groups in later life, how we relate to power and authority and how included or ostracised we can feel.
What is inner child work?
To embrace inner child work in therapy is to address harmful, maladaptive experiences that occurred in early stages of your development. The process can be seen as an integrative way of working as it can form part of many therapy approaches and modalities, including EMDR, which Prince Harry demonstrated in a TV interview. The language can vary from “sub-personality”, “parts” “divine child archetype” or to “aspects of self”. The tools and techniques associated with inner child work can be varied and can help an individual to address ongoing behavioural issues linked to their early life. Early life wounds might be caused by physical or emotional abuse, witnessing or being a victim of bullying or growing up in a broken family, for instance.
Learning to live a more confident and happy life, free from the emotional burdens of the past, and to let go of so-called legacy behaviours, is the ultimate aim of inner child work. Legacy behaviours are the things you have done over time to keep you feeling safe, but which might no longer be needed. An example might be to always distrust others, because caregivers in your early life abused their trust. But continuing to mistrust everyone might mean you remain alone and starved of love and affection. Learning to trust others, the ones who can be trusted, could be a way to heal that inner part of you that craves love and intimacy. By re-parenting yourself you can uncover some of the reasons behind your current fears, phobias and life patterns.
What kinds of activities can bring out your inner child?
Inner child work is about engaging in activities where you can become creative and rediscover your purity and innocence. It can mean safely exploring the continuing legacy of past emotional wounds as a way to overcome their negative legacy. Activities such as painting, meditation, music, dancing and storytelling can be transformational in healing your inner child.
A useful practical way of healing could be to write letters to your younger self as a way of letting go and grieving your emotional wounds. You could become creative by writing about your inner child part, or parts (as they can be multiple), as if they are characters in a play. This could be a safe way to try to gain access to the troublesome memories held in the unconscious mind, witnessing the stories of their origin in childhood and ultimately healing them.
UPDATE: I subsequently got quoted on a piece on the benefits of contacting your inner child which appeared on the ITV online magazine Woo.
Noel Bell is an accredited UKCP psychotherapist based in London and can be contacted on 07852407140 or noel@noelbell.net
