There are many types of people but for relational purposes there are two main types which might be termed as either ‘energy zappers’ or ‘energy enhancers’. Energy zappers are people who don’t listen when in conversation. The exchange is usually one way. They will drone on about their own viewpoint, their own opinions or their own stresses. You don’t get a chance to speak, or when you do they will either wait for an opportunity to hijack the conservation so that the focus is back on them, or they will start to distract themselves by looking at their phone. These are the sort of people who leave you feeling drained after spending time with them. It is almost like they suck the energy from you. They are like narcissistic listeners, in that the focus of the conversation always has to be about them.
Not feeling heard by others can impact how we feel about ourselves, when others seemingly dominate our conversations. They may be fellow employees, higher up the so-called food chain (and exploiting a power dynamic) or on the same grade, but could also be friends, associates or family members, who always seem to turn the conversation, no matter the topic, back to them.
Not feeling heard can be debilitating on many levels. Our posture tends to droop when we feel that we have been defeated and are victims in a low status hierarchical structure. We tend to face the ground when we feel anxious, hurt and weak. Low levels of serotonin can mean lower levels of confidence and greater propensity to having feelings of depression. Self-esteem can, however, be boosted when we adapt a more commanding posture, when levels of serotonin flow more freely. Serotonin is a chemical and neurotransmitter which helps regulate mood and social behaviour.
Energy enhancers, on the other hand, are people who allow you to have a say in a conversation. There is a flow of energy backwards and forwards. It is a healthy two way exchange. You will be asked questions about your life and they will actually wait to listen for the answer. It won’t be all about them. These are the sort of people who help you to feel better about yourself after spending time with them. You leave feeling energised and reinvigorated. They are happy to hear of your successes and any good fortune you might share, as they want the best for you. They are not jealous of your successes nor will seek to compete with you. They can listen with generosity of spirit.
Avoiding energy zappers in social settings
Energy zappers tend to read the unconscious signs that victims communicate in social situations. They will observe who they think they can dominate in conversations. Such victims tend to be people who are not confident in asserting themselves in social settings. Energy zappers will avoid people who they perceive as having healthy boundaries. They unconsciously know that people with strong boundaries will refuse to indulge their narcissism.
It may be that you are only becoming aware now about a long term friendship that is one way, where you don’t get your needs met. You may be wondering how you could change the way you operate in the world so that you can better assert yourself with such people. Self-esteem reflects your overall subjective emotional evaluation of your own worth. Self-esteem from an implicit source is deriving a healthy sense of self-worth from within. Self-esteem from an explicit source is seeking to gain a healthy sense of self from what others think of you. An explicit way of operating can lead to overly pleasing others in relationships to the detriment of your own well-being, which effectively entails giving your power away.
Seeking help for dealing with energy zappers and boosting low self-esteem
Therapy could be about understanding what is behind your need for seeking approval from others. One area that you might want to investigate is your role within your family. Remember that your family is your first experience of being in a group. Your mother and father’s relationship is the first role model of what a relationship looks like. Your mother is also a role model for how women should be in the world and your father likewise for men. How nourished you were in your family background, physically,emotionally and spiritually, can be a key determinant on how you learned to relate to others in later life. Your position in your family, either birth order or specific relationship to parents, and siblings, can also be hugely influential on your adult relational style. After all, families are very political institutions. You could explore who was the family mascot, who was the scapegoat, who was the martyr and so on. The tools and techniques of transactional analysis can be helpful for such work. You could also explore your own early attachment styles, and here attachment theory can be useful in uncovering what is informing present day relational styles. An Adlerian perspective on how you related to the dominance hierarchy in your family could also be a useful area of investigation.
Other areas to explore could be your experiences of peer development, early schooling and other relevant developmental factors. Uncovering any toxic messaging systems, which may have been incorporated into self-identity, could ultimately prove to be transformative. Psychotherapy can be extremely dynamic when realising your true self and dispensing with concepts associated with an adaptive self. Boosting levels of serotonin can lead to more resilience, more happiness, less anxiety and less illness. You could ask yourself why energy zappers are in your life. You could work on what might be stopping you from setting boundaries with such people who dominate your conversations. Are you the classic rescuer? You could also ask what it might be like to confront a friend and suggest a different way of relating with them, thereby transforming the power dynamic. Another question might be what is stopping you from letting go of some people in your life.
Boosting self-esteem and your serotonin levels involves manifesting the qualities required to be more assertive especially with the negativity associated with energy zappers. A therapist can help you to uncover why you give your power away to others and where you might be victimising yourself. Feeling heard in therapy can be a rewarding experience with someone who is trained to listen and who, importantly, has no vested interest in your future decision-making. Just make sure that the therapist you contract with is not an energy zapper themselves.
Noel Bell is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist based in London and online and available for counselling and psychotherapy and can be contacted on 07852407140 or noel@noelbell.net
Lacking social skills and a social filter might be due to a learning disability and being on the autistic spectrum?
This is an absolutely vital discussion in the world of social settings and self help techniques.Thank you for sharing